General Jokes 🃏

Did a stand-up comedy gig at Battersea Dogs' Home over the weekend.


It was going great until I put down a heckler....
 
Husband: "For 29 years all you have done is correct everything I say"

Wife: "28 years"
 
Oxford get drawn v Sw*ndon in the cup, but neither Jim (an Oxford fan) nor Bob (a Sw*ndon fan) are able to book the day off work.

"Tell you what!" says Jim "Why don't we watch the recording of the game back together tomorrow? Neither of us checks the score, so that we watch it as if it's live. What do you reckon?"

Taking a second to think it over, Bob agrees.


The next day, as they sit down to watch the match, Bob says "How about be have a little wager? £50 says Sw*ndon beat Oxford!"

"Well I see your money and double it!" replies Jim "Oxford will absolutely smash Sw*ndon for 6!"

They shake on it, and sit down to watch the match together.

Sure as eggs is eggs, Oxford batter Sw*ndon 6-0.

"Fair enough!" says Bob, as he hands over a wad of cash to Jim. "Here's your money, you won it fair and square!"

"No... I didn't..." says Jim, overcome by a sense of honesty. "To tell you the truth, Bob, when I came home last night I watched the highlights on MOTD. I already knew we'd beaten you 6-0. I'm sorry for my dishonesty" he apologised.

"Well so did I!" replies Bob "I watched it last night too, but I didn't believe we could possible lose that badly again!"
 
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My son is taking part in a social experiment. For two weeks he has to wear a Swindon shirt to see how people react.
So far he’s been spat on, punched and had a bottle of P**s thown at him.
I’m curious to see what happens to him when he leaves the house.
 
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